too young
too reckless
too driven
too blinded
too stubborn
too brave
to settle.

"All the world's a stage, . . . "

From this shattered

Proscenium

We struggle to disengage

Ourselves---

To challenge its

Boundaries---

Only to find that

There's no script

Except the script

That we compose

As we expose

Who we are.

- Robert Todd

I never plan a thing I do, yet all these future decisions loom over me. I know what I want to do and where I want to be and it all just seems farther away. Nothing worthwhile comes easily and the growing difficulty can only mean this is right. Everything will be alright. It just needs a little push.

my mind is no more and less scattered than these jumbles of words i call writing. so dulled and old are these thoughts i have. nothing even flows anymore.

sitting here
with my floppy stomach
cold air in the window
hot feet under the computer
no lights
low volume
old cans
strapless dress
unshowered
itchy skin
nothing.

It's worse when the thing you desire
is right between your fingers,
and the only thing stopping you is

hesitation

.................worry

.............................fear.

SItting in class; I hear blaring music form her headphones, the hum of the AC, mindless small-talk of water and how sad the world is. It's cold.

...and eventually, the entire world will sigh in agreement -

"We are our own downfall."

tossing and turning and thinking and dwelling and screaming and crying and nothing.

boom, swish, pow, twist - tonight you're mine and tonight we'll combine into something so brilliant no one will know which is who.

i hear that beat and i move in ways that will embarrass me tomorrow, but tonight i don't care, because tonight all that matters is movement.

nothing, and the day goes on as usual. nothing, and i never sleep. nothing, and i don't change.

pent up and angry, so unbelievably angry at this one man who holds so much power over such a cowardly little thing.

so frustrating that i let you keep a hold on that control, but my restraint is wearing thin and don't take it lightly when i say

"you're coming close to losing me."

it is my oxygen, my sustenance, my skin, my sweat, my eyes, my senses, my blood, my soul and no matter how much i scream it no one hears and its brushed aside like the rest of my words. it's nothing to you or you because you don't understand this sort of passion, because you never experienced it. you wasted your 4 years; i won't waste mine.

we'll get away fom them and your mother and from everything that stands in our way. the only thing that matters is the gas in the tank and you and i. we'll go and we'll never see that death-trap of a town ever again, and maybe i'll see you smile with teeth again. that's all i need; to see that light in your eyes and your perfect teeth. nothing else matters if you're happy, and i'll do whatever it takes. we'll stay together for as long as our forever is, and we'll be happy, sad, angry and lonely together. you'll say you love me, i'll redden and everything will be wonderful. i'll push your coffin in the back, we'll drive away and we'll be happy...

and nothing will ever change.

activation code: AvPD ;;

and i fear rejection

and i stay alone

and i long for love

and i feel inferior

and i am self-critical

and i'll never trust you.

and now when i wrap my arms around my pillow, no one comes to mind, it's just a pillow filling a void and nothing else comes of it except the usual loneliness that i am all-to-familiar with and who seems to enjoy my company more than i enjoy her's and is therefore taking up all my time.

i often come to a crossroads between what i want and what i wish i wanted.

awake and i'm thinking "how often does one get a chance at happiness handed right to them?" of course, as usual, i have no idea what has brought on this question, simply that it is there and awaiting an answer, but i don't think i'm the one to answer it, and i don't know who is or who could even lead me in that direction or where to even start in the first place and i'm frustrated because i hate leaving questions dangling forever, but there's really nothing i can do except jot down these simple notes and hope to make some sense of things by morning.

eyes blinking, roaming

fingers touching, playing

skin brushing, tingling

simple and small

so invisible

so irresistible

simple and small

that's all.

no comprehension of this urge to be loved, to be touched, no have someone warm beside me who longs for nothing more than to feel my warmth melting with their warmth, without any lack of clothing or morals and i can look at them and see everything in their eyes and nothing is weird or uncomfortable and everything is quiet and peaceful and i love them so much my heart aches even when they are laying right next to me and experiencing every feeling with me, but this sort of thing comes with age.

a look, a touch, a kiss, something to satisfy this urge for contact that has gone so long with no attention, so contention, no mention of how desperate i am for a look, a touch, a kiss, something to quiet this scream my skin cells are screaming in my ears.

june 17 2009

It's 4:30 AM on a Sunday and I'm looking out the window into the rain waiting to see your feet disrupt the puddles on the sidewalk, instead of a stranger's. You are wearing the boots I gave you in that dream you had. I don't know what they look like. You told me I'd know them when I saw them, but I worry that I won't and that you'll be lost forever due to my self-doubt and second-guessing. Twice now I have answered the door, thinking it was you. I suppose my patience is wearing thin.

please, hurry home.

june 12 2009

this shit that the television rattles off messes up this flow i got hold of, let go of that thought and follow me down the road to nothing that everyone follows, nobody follows the right road always the wrong road never the right road and i don't get why they can't read the signs because they're right over their heads, but they never look up and that could be why everyone sees things so one-dimentional, because they are missing that important layer that leads to the greatest heights they can reach, but they never do and they never will and i stand here looking up and waiting for someone to look up and see me looking up and join me looking up to hope.

june 12 2009

the flow i need ain't the flow i got
and i the love i need ain't the love i got
and nothin's gonna change cause we're all the same
and nothin's gonna change cause we're not game
for the challenge and the fight
to get to the light
so we remain blind and meek and unkind
so we remain weak and struggle to find
our way thorugh this maze
our way through this haze-ee
mess of a world.

march 29 2008

you don't mind when i talk a lot.
you don't mind when i hardly talk.
you don't care that i can be a total dork.
you don't mind my awkward habits.
you appriciate the little things.
you & i don't have to do anything.
you value emotion over physicality.
you are lovely, inside & out.
you lay with me & want nothing more.
you respect my boundaries.
you don't mind public displays of affection.
you support me.
you love me.
you 're looking for me,
& i'm looking, too.